You know what people love? Really niche things. Nothing riles a crowd up like something they neither know nor care about. So, Indiana Jones and the Emperor’s Tomb. The latest in a long series of poor topics for me to focus on.
I must first come clean. This game holds a certain place in my heart. A personal favourite from my youth, I have somewhat of a connection to this game, spiritually. Many were the hours I spent, fighting Nazis, skipping cutscenes and trapping crocodiles (that last one probably makes more sense if you’ve played the game). A few years back,when I discovered that GOG had finally released the game for digital download, there was little in the universe that could have stopped me from instantly purchasing a copy and donning my collector’s edition rose-tinted nostalgia goggles. That being said, a second disclaimer may now be necessary. I have only just beaten this game. About five minutes ago, I finally beat the final boss, had a giddy moment when I saw the tie-in to one of movies, then decided to start writing originally. Before today, I had never beaten the game. Not entirely uncommon for some of my favourite childhood games. It was years between my first playthrough of Jedi Academy to the time I finally completed it again. Part of the reason for this failure to follow through would definitely be the fact that I never owned the game before my GOG purchase. I used to rent it from a DVD store (remember those?), play it for a week, then return it. I would rarely (if ever) rent it two weeks in a row, so I would usually just start again every time I came home with it. Because of this, I never got farther than the final boss of Istanbul during my childhood. Yes, this may be because I have a huge fear of giant squid.
Whatever the reason, I would only ever play to this point then stop, meaning that there is a sudden, abrupt cut of for my nostalgia. After Istanbul, it’s uncharted (hehe) territory. As far as I’m concerned, post-kraken might as well be a totally different game. Once I beat the nightmare-inducing fiend, I made a horrific discovery. I am way more nostalgic about this game than I thought. I knew that I was willing to overlook some rough edges going back to the game, but I’d never realized how blinded by nostalgia I had become. Within ten minutes of leaving the Middle-East and reaching Chinatown I had gone from, “this is great,” to “this kinda sucks.” Ok, that’s a bit harsh. On both fronts actually. No, the game probably doesn’t suck after Istanbul, and no, it might not entirely be my love for this game that made me think that it did. I think this game might actually be a really interesting case study for a game that genuinely and dramatically drops in quality around half way through. Hear me out, I actually have not only reason to believe this, but also some concrete (-ish) proof.
This may be the closest thing I’ve ever done to a review of a game. Sure, I’ve talked extensively about the aspects of particular games in the past, as well as whether I think they’re good or not, but I’ve never put this much dedication in. I actually wrote notes for this, that’s how serious I am. As I played, I jotted down some key points that I thought would be excellent discussion points for this post, and before I knew it, I was being a games review. A fedora appeared on my head, and I lost all sense of self-irony, that’s how much of a game review I became. I’m going to have to go cold turkey for a few weeks, lest I start talking about ludonarative dissonance and complaining about Overwatch. OH GOD, I’VE ALREADY DONE THAT. IT’S HAPPENING.
So, I guess this is a review of Indiana Jones and the Emperor’s tomb, with a light (once again, -ish) sprinkling of nostalgia.
I feel a spoiler warning is in order. That’s right, if you haven’t played this brand new, totally relevant game by a company that I’m pretty sure either doesn’t exist or has been consumed by EA yet, you’re on dangerous water. Not that the story itself is something that can really be spoiled. It manages to be both completely incomprehensible, yet entirely bare bones. Mileage may vary of course. Perhaps you will find the plot to be the same magic in a bottle that was Raiders of the Lost Ark. Whilst I doubt it, perhaps a visit to GOG may be in order for you if so far I’ve somehow enticed you to play what must now sound like a train wreck being assaulted by a plane crash.
Oh, the story.
The first three chapters are pretty easy to follow. Indy is in Ceylon, doing… something (ok, maybe not that easy). A can’t really remember what, but I don’t think it’s entirely important. At the end of the chapter, he is confronted by Baron Von Germanperson, the human embodiment of the mustache twirl. He’s your run-of-the-mill Jones villain, with a thick German accent, a Swastika, and dialogue outsourced to a primary school. You throw him in a pool with a giant crocodile (we’ll probably get back to that later), and return to America. Whilst sitting at his lecture room desk, because apparently his canonically existing office was being cleaned or something, he is approached by a Chinese man who might as well wear a sign saying “I will turn out to be the bad guy,” written on it. Perhaps his incredibly reflective shirt and pants are meant to distract from his obvious scheming and dastardly nature. Or perhaps that job fell to his assistant, no doubt beautiful when this game came out, now looking somewhere between a melted Barbie doll and a robot wearing it’s master’s skin. This fine gentlemen and the accompanying main character future love interesting send indie to Prague, to do, um, something else. This one is totally my fault, I’ve genuinely forgotten, and I don’t care enough to find out. Regardless, you are tasked with retrieving something from a Nazi castle, and you once again head off for foreign soils. In all seriousness, Prague is probably the best part of the game. To me, the first two areas are pretty closely tied in terms of quality, but for most, this level will likely be the high point. The castle itself is a nice backdrop for gameplay, bringing back memories of The Last Crusade, but with an unfortunate lack of Sean Connery, and this place probably has the best balance of combat to puzzles in the game, although that is always up to personal preference. You spend probably around an hour or so here on a first playthrough, and the combat really shines in the mix of closed of spaces and more open rooms. Prague also has probably my most fondly remembered part of the game, the library, with its secret rooms and multiple floors, none of which would meet safety regulation. Whoever decided you should have to shimmy over a twenty foot drop to get to a bookcase probably also though the best place to keep their secret Da Vinci flying machine inside a clock.
Once you’ve beaten up enough Nazi’s to become satisfied, you throw acid at discount Bane, then get captured by the mysteriously alive Baron from Ceylon, miraculously only down one eye after being eaten, I remind you, by a giant crocodile. How come whenever I got touched by the scaled bastard it was an instant game over, but Nelson Nobody over here gets a sick scar? I’m Indiana god-damn Jones. After some short monologue, villain number one transports you to Istanbul for further interrogation. Why do they do this? Who knows. It literally is the worst thing they could have done. Istanbul is where they’re busy excavating a the hidden city of Belisarius, which contains the final piece of what, after a brief visit to Wikipedia, I know to be the fabled Mirror of Dreams, said to aid in the navigation of the equally fabled Emperor’s Tomb. Now the bad guys have taken Indy to the place he needs to be. Aided by the returning female love interest, who we’ve actually seen following Indy since their meeting, we’re free to make our way to the dig site and wreak havoc on unsuspecting Nazis and some probably racist depictions of middle eastern people. Jones makes his way over the rooftops of the city, then drops into the hidden city, finally reaching a chamber with what was the most terrifying boss fight of my childhood. Seriously, giant squid are scary. Ever seen a documentary about them. Terrifying.
You promptly drop some pillars around (Not on, I might add) the animal who was just minding its business until you rocked up, and retrieve the final piece of the mirror. Female person turns up to tell you the obvious villain who came to you back in America has actually been working with the Nazis. After you retrieve your socks from across the room, you head off to China town, where woman is captured. Keep in mind, I only reached this point as a big boy, not as a child, so this is the point where the cracks started appearing to me, but as I said earlier, I think there might be a larger reason than just my nostalgia wearing out. There are certain problems that appear here that just weren’t as prevalent earlier. For one, there’s a really bad set piece here, where the previous set pieces were all quite decent, or at least short. An extended rickshaw chase/escape sequence that sees you shooting the same motorcycle and car more times than I can count. It just goes on and on, with you mindlessly mowing down vehicle after vehicle. There’s absolutely no challenge, as I’m fairly sure the Nazis are firing marshmallows at you. Finally, Indy reaches the dock, only to see love interest is being taken away on a German submarine. This is in British Hong Kong, and you expect me to believe a god damn German submarine just sauntered in without anyone noticing? I get that submarines are stealthy and all, but this one is docked. It’s not hiding, it’s literally just floating there.
With some assistance, you’re where the submarine was headed: villain 2’s island, complete with a secret Nazi base. Something interesting that I noticed here was that each previous level had taken place entirely within a different country. From this point forward, there are only two more actual different places to visit, and you’re currently on one. A sadly missed opportunity is for the game to show you how the Nazis have set up shop on this island, which is already owned and been built up by villain 2. Perhaps seeing how the German forces have sort of had to Frankenstein their way into the already established architecture. A backdrop of Chinese structures filled with Nazi machinery and equipment would be an interesting environment. Sadly, this never comes to pass. There’s the German part of the Island, and the Chinese part of the island, complete with different sets of bad guys. It would be equally interesting to see Nazi soldiers fighting alongside the Chinese warriors, making the player deal with the more ranger approach of the German’s mixed with the close quarters-focus of their allies. Unfortunately, they never interact. Like, ever. First you fight the Nazis, then you’re up against the Chinese. No overlap. The Nazi facility also is home to the worlds slowest cable car. I’m not joking, this thing is slow. I urge you to play the game just to see how long the part on the transport is. This makes the Rickshaw chase look comparatively brief. You shoot down some German fighter planes that I think were made of cardboard and biscuits, then arrive at the top of the mountain, finally in Chinese territory. Hand to hand combat is in fashion here, so you can give up the poor shooting for the just average fisticuffs. This section isn’t particularly memorable, so let’s move on. You eventually fall into the tomb of Kong Tien, whre you fight evil spirits. Wait, what? The villains are literally sitting on a veritable gold mine of potentially weaponized ghosts, yet they completely ignore it. Why not just use some of these guys instead of trying to get to the emperor’s tomb? You might be thinking “Well, maybe they tried that, and decided it wasn’t possible to control these spirits,” but when you eventually arrive at the Emperor’s tomb, it’s filled with these spirits, so you’re telling me that they don’t want to use these guys, they just want to use the premium, prime cut of ghosts? God damned purists. You fight some evil henchwomen, rescue your love interest, and high tail it to the emperor’s tomb, ready to save the day.
In the tomb, you mostly solve simple puzzles and fight spirits, so there’s not much to talk about. Except! You are confronted by villain 1, who we’ve only sparingly seen since Prague and Istanbul. He greets you with a tank/drill/compensatory machine, and you’re forced to run away, but not before he metaphorically twirls his mustache and laughs maniacally. Seriously though, this section kinda sucks. The way Indy’s whip works really doesn’t gel well with the precise jumps and swings asked of you here, and I died a little more than I’d like to admit. After a brief chase, Das Nazi falls to his death, leaving only the devious machinations of villain 2 in need of foiling. Indy ventures through a portal to the netherworld, demonstrating his incredible smarts as he doesn’t even consider that this magic whirlwind is anything other than the dimensional gateway needed to take him where he wants to be. Of course. Eventually, you reach the dead emperor, take the magical mcguffin from his… uh… mouth… and make your way out. Unfortunately, before your escape, your stopped by the villain numero 2, and he takes the mouth warmer, using it to… do something. Magic happens, elements collide, a dragon does dragon things, and you defeat the now super powered baddie. Yay. Indy returns to China town to affirm his love for his love interest, and the game teases Temple of Doom.
Right, let’s talk business. As mentioned earlier, this game gets noticeably worse when you reach Chinatown. The individual parts of the levels are much shorter, but the levels them selves are all much longer (except, infuriatingly, in Chinatown, which itself is just an incredibly brief interlude). Ceylon, Prague, and Istanbul are all fairly meaty sections, each comprised of a number of mid length stages. On the menu, these take up less than the first third of the game, but in terms of the actual games length, it’s about half. After china town, the levels stop being based on a new, unique country, but instead are just parts of the same two environments, first an island off the coast of China, then a second island off the coast of China. Seeing the problem yet? The levels become more arduous, and repetitive, the combat, which worked pretty well up to this point, becomes more monotonous as you go up against the same enemies over and over, and the gun play remains firmly shit. I understand why you needed an auto lock-on system. It was so people on consoles didn’t send you death threats. But why does the game lock on to enemies, then miss like, half the shots. I’m not talking it’s locked on but there miles away so it makes sense to miss. I’m taking right next to you, probably smelling Indies fake leather jacket. I’m pretty sure I could close my eyes and hit someone at that distance. This isn’t to mention the problem the game has with shooting knocked-down enemies. Knock a Nazi over and it’s a coin flip as to whether Indy’s bullets will hit them or simply vanish into the ether.
Because this is getting a little long, I might just rattle off some points here. The voice acting kinda sucks. Indiana Jones sounds fine, clearly they got a decent sound alike, but the others, especially the female love interest are terrible. I’m all good with the cackling villains and all, but the actual voice acting of them is pretty atrocious. Next point. The music. Holy shit it’s good. This soundtrack is my childhood. It’s so good. Not even nostalgic good. Listen to it. It’s genuinely awesome, classic Indiana Jones stuff. Point trois. The one liners. Repetitive, but just so memorable. Not just for Indy, but even for the villains. The Nazi’s talking even when you’re not in sight are just gold. “What I wouldn’t give for a good strudel,” is probably the greatest line in any video game ever. Period. Next point. This is a small one, but Indy’s hat can be knocked off if he’s punched hard enough, and you have to pick it up. One of my favourite details in the game is that if you roll over a knocked off hat, Indy will pick it up, and you can see him put it back on. Awesome. Unfortunately, if you finish a level without the hat, it teleports back to you. Shame. Wouldn’t it be great if you never saw it again. A fitting punishment for abandoning your best friend.
The final thing I’d like to mention is a particular difficulty spike. This won’t happen to everyone, perhaps even anyone, but whilst in the Nazi facility on island one, I entered a stage with next to no health, no water in my canteen, and no medkits. Unfortunately, this part had a mounted turret section where I had to fight off wave after wave of soldiers. I was stuck here. Some Nazis would shoot me so quickly that I wouldn’t be able to do anything other than die. Literally, they would shoot me before I was even able to look at them. I was forced to cheat here, adding a line to the game file that allowed me to be invincible. Not something I do lightly. I actually mean it, I hate cheating. I don’t hate cheaters. I don’t really mind cheaters. I just hate having to cheat. It made me probably unnecessarily angry. Still. Real shame.
That’s kinda it. That was a lengthy rundown of the plot, and a fairly brief rundown of the actual game itself. Once again, I fail to balance the content of my writing. One day I’ll get it right.
Y, Though? 